It woulda been embarrassing for all of us if you turned out to be a bad fiction writer, but I liked this a lot! I’d second what Benny said about not staying rigorously efficient, especially with adjective use (two “ethereal”s might be too many though). I’d love to read the longer piece when it’s done!
I think you're right that you shouldn't have the babbling after the opening mention of smoke - you should probably open with it. That paragraph is really strong, both in its 'thisness' and in the way the language forces you to slow down and engage to figure out why 'babbling' is the appropriate verb, what type of person scratches figures into frozen skin, why the coyotes can't bite. And I like the progress from scratched moose and foxes to real coyotes. Great stuff there.
But it's a bit awkward after the opening tease of smoke over the horizon for her to spend time reminiscing. I think it could work better if the threat of fire isn't introduced until after she's reflected on other pink skies; the mystery of 'the last time the horizon was this pink' is enough to come back to after that paragraph and the following.
But those two paragraphs, and the one complaining about the boots, are great, and the slow dawn of the realization that shit is going down and the negative outline of Pask both work, I think. Depending on where you're going, it's probably not far from being right (not making any claims about perfect); I want to meek Pask, I want to see how big the fire grows, and I want to see if burning down the meadow breaks the ghosts' ties, so I'd say it's doing at least some of the work it should be.
And don't feel bad about Ulysses; it's waited 98 years for your take and can probably wait a few more weeks.
My only question about something that distracted me: the narrator’s “First decision” to find Pask is first relative to what? Wasn’t sure what that meant, and I think it stuck out to me because the rest of that little section sets up a really interesting reflection.
Your style is really fun to read, the language is lyrical without excess. I’m really coveting your sentences. The initial concept has good hooks. I think you’re putting a lot of interesting balls in the air and returning to them with some elaboration. The order of operations might be simplified, but I don’t have a problem with how you do it here. Can’t wait to meet Pask - keep going!
Your writing style appeals to me - something about the combination of short, efficient sentences and that you actually care about how words sound. (I liked what you were going for with sluicing and scrimming but also agree that you could do without it. Point is, the attention to words sounding cool and looking good on the page is overall a good thing. Personally I don't like Nabokov that much and see him as the personification of "words looking and sounding good." I also don't like ultra-efficient American MFA prose. Your "middle-ground" style is my ideal style.)
This reminds of an old Norm Macdonald bit about how he hates sunsets lol
It woulda been embarrassing for all of us if you turned out to be a bad fiction writer, but I liked this a lot! I’d second what Benny said about not staying rigorously efficient, especially with adjective use (two “ethereal”s might be too many though). I’d love to read the longer piece when it’s done!
I think you're right that you shouldn't have the babbling after the opening mention of smoke - you should probably open with it. That paragraph is really strong, both in its 'thisness' and in the way the language forces you to slow down and engage to figure out why 'babbling' is the appropriate verb, what type of person scratches figures into frozen skin, why the coyotes can't bite. And I like the progress from scratched moose and foxes to real coyotes. Great stuff there.
But it's a bit awkward after the opening tease of smoke over the horizon for her to spend time reminiscing. I think it could work better if the threat of fire isn't introduced until after she's reflected on other pink skies; the mystery of 'the last time the horizon was this pink' is enough to come back to after that paragraph and the following.
But those two paragraphs, and the one complaining about the boots, are great, and the slow dawn of the realization that shit is going down and the negative outline of Pask both work, I think. Depending on where you're going, it's probably not far from being right (not making any claims about perfect); I want to meek Pask, I want to see how big the fire grows, and I want to see if burning down the meadow breaks the ghosts' ties, so I'd say it's doing at least some of the work it should be.
And don't feel bad about Ulysses; it's waited 98 years for your take and can probably wait a few more weeks.
My only question about something that distracted me: the narrator’s “First decision” to find Pask is first relative to what? Wasn’t sure what that meant, and I think it stuck out to me because the rest of that little section sets up a really interesting reflection.
Your style is really fun to read, the language is lyrical without excess. I’m really coveting your sentences. The initial concept has good hooks. I think you’re putting a lot of interesting balls in the air and returning to them with some elaboration. The order of operations might be simplified, but I don’t have a problem with how you do it here. Can’t wait to meet Pask - keep going!
I quite like existential reflection. Don't cut it all out.
Your writing style appeals to me - something about the combination of short, efficient sentences and that you actually care about how words sound. (I liked what you were going for with sluicing and scrimming but also agree that you could do without it. Point is, the attention to words sounding cool and looking good on the page is overall a good thing. Personally I don't like Nabokov that much and see him as the personification of "words looking and sounding good." I also don't like ultra-efficient American MFA prose. Your "middle-ground" style is my ideal style.)